Hair says poetry is your thing, so probably I shouldn't intrude, but I wrote a poem for the first time since... Jeez. Valentine's Day, 2007, and I wanted to share, maybe get some feedback?
going, going, almost gone
i felt myself fading into the throng
how quickly time passes
when you're one of the masses
until i heard your voice and something in me stood still.
a smile on my lips, a sparkle on my eye
the sun, so long covered, is beaming from the sky
though it's the shortest day of the year
something whispers in my ear
a hope that you, my dear one,
could be sitting beside me when the day is done
your smile, your eyes, your infectious laughter
the moment it's over, i crave more ridiculous banter
there's nothing crushing, suffocating, hurting
and every moment together is only reaffirming
that i am for you, and you are for me
when i look in your eyes, it's pure happiness i see
we're silly, silly, love, every little face you make
and with each look, each touch, there's a little more of me you take
but willingly i'll give, let my heart be taken with a smile
just for the chance to hold your hand a while.
-Cass
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2 comments:
Cass-I think this is really amazing! Have you considered ditching the rhyme scheme though? You'd have to dosome reworking, but the rhyming makes it a little sing-songy, which kinda takes away from the bleak imagery, which really adds to the feelings of despair and loss and loneliness it seems like you're trying to build. Just a thought... :)
rhyme is the devil. wich is why I hardly ever use it. break free! fight the rhyme!
:P rhyme's actually pretty cool. but miss abel's got a point. ditch the rhyme. it'll be so much cooler after that.
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