Written September 11th, 2008

Who am I? What defines me?
Is it the style of clothes I wear? Is it the music I like? Is it the people I associate myself with, or even the religion I belong to?
No.
If I were to listen to different music, or move away or even God forbid, lose someone I love, would it so deeply alter the very essence of my being? If my laptop were taken away, or I were to change my clothes, would the person who I am completely disappear?
No.
My self, my soul, is not the people I like, or the music I listen to, or the background on my blog. It's not in the language I use, or the pictures I take. I use these things to relate what is inside of me, but truth be told, there is not a single material thing that, were I to lose it completely, would shatter me beyond repair. If my music disappeared, if Ms. Abel flipped over my childish problems and never wanted to speak to me again, if the religion i affiliate myself with were to dissolve, I would be affected, most definitely. But I would not break. I would not be lost to humanity. Obviously, I would have to recover, and it would be a painful process. But would I cease to exist?
No.
Of course these things are components, especially my close friends and my beliefs, but truly, they are only individual parts of the puzzle with so many of those individual pieces, though some may be bigger than others, that the picture will not be ultimately unfixable if one is lost.
Because what I am, what makes me me, isn't something I can hold in my hands, or post in a blog. It can't be captured in a picture, because pictures burn. It isn't a gift I can give, because who could do anything with it but me?
My identity cannot be removed with time, or hardships. It will be amended, it will absorb the shocks of tragedy and triumphs that happen in life. But it will not be taken away. No matter how many people try to drag me down, no matter how hard things may get, no matter what color my hair is... The forms of expression may, and will, change. But the feeling will stay the same.
Philip Pullman called it your daemon. And maybe in another parallel universe you can see it, see the shape that a person's spirit takes. But for us in this world, it's not so easy. You can look at what parts of themselves people choose to show you, and most of the time they won't even realize they're doing it. People's posture, their mannerisms, their way of addressing others... Those are all indicators of what about themselves they like or dislike by reflecting their opinion of themselves through their reactions to others.
Point being, I Am Me. I don't know if I can honestly say I know everything about this center, this safeharbor within myself. But what I do know that my knowing it's there, by feeling like I do have an inner strength, it makes me look at the world around me much differently. What should I allow to touch this part of me? This element that is so precious, so powerful that most people are afraid to access it and simply follow the lead of others stronger and more intune with themselves, what should I allow to penetrate it? What problems, what dramas are so important I should let myself be bothered with it? Of course there is always a section of my mind, my heart, that deals with daily problems. But of the big ones, which are big enough to let them alter my very self? Which people that I know, that I care about, will be around long enough that I should let them in to this part of me? And why should I hope to be allowed to be a part of that which they, whether they realize it or not, should hold the closest to themselves? It doesn't mean they don't love me, it just is a rational realization that I can provide no proof that I'll be around long enough to appreciate this trust, or ever offer it back.
However, for those that I have or will let in, that's a trust that I don't even know is warranted, sought out, or even given willingly. Some people become part of your lives, become deep influences, without even intending it. This is my best argument for a higher power... When you are led, or people are led to you that will deeply alter the course of your life, without any kind of forewarning or reasoning that we can see.
For you, I suppose all I can say is thank you for allowing me to grow through our experiences, and for allowing me to make you a part of me that will last as long as I do.