My first attempt at stream-of-consciousness

Everyone experiments in college, right?

***

Two Doors Down

walking down the road I think I see a shadow moving in the trees on my right but when I turn to look there’s nothing there only an empty clearing lit blue by the moon it’s so bright I can’t even look at my eyes must have adjusted to the there’s your house I must have walked down this street a thousand I can’t talk to you see you now the lights are off in the living room everyone must be in the family room in the back I hate the carpet in there it’s too rough it always leaves these itchy lines on the back of my legs your bedroom window we used to build Lego castles in there I loved to sit on your bed dinosaur sheets until you were seventeen you always loved dinosaurs they were all over your clothes your room I hated to go in there you had a hermit crab so ugly like a red wet spider walking on my leg we buried him near the swing set in a little white box we found in your bedroom the blue blinds all bent from the times you tried to sneak out of your window or stuck your head out when we used to play football on the lawn I remember when Jen tried to teach us ballet I felt so beautiful twirling on the grass wet under my bare feet I must have looked so silly but no one ever laughed at us laughing on the lawn I know you were inside and you could hear me trying to make my laugh sexy so you’d notice I almost choked I was thirteen only thirteen it was so long ago I’ve known you all my life but I still can’t talk to you I get so damn tongue-tied why I don’t know it’s not normal what if you don’t want to talk to me I don’t want you to feel obligated annoyed embarrassed pity I talk to boys you’re nothing special the light’s going to come on when I step onto the driveway I hate that thing it lights the whole neighborhood and anyone looking out their window could see me I want to stay in the dark for a while I never get to be by myself it’s so cool and quiet out here I can hear the crickets dogs cats walking down the street that’s what that shadow was Brandy followed me down the street again her fur so black she blends in I blend in the dark no one could see me unless they were looking I’m not hiding behind the house while we tried to break in Ann Marie’s arm was almost too big it got caught in the hole the removed deadbolt left in the door one of the little windows was broken it wasn’t really wrong we almost bought the house I just wanted to see I wanted to pick my room to stake my claim first I wanted to see my home there was dirt in the toilet we didn’t move there we didn’t like it was old we built a new house two doors down from yours I can see the bay window on your living room when I stand on my front step the TV used to be in the living room we used to watch movies make up dances to the songs we played court was our favorite game we always made Ann Marie be the dead body she was too young to be a lawyer she didn’t understand it wouldn’t have been fun she used to cry you always made her cry before you went to Colorado we were playing mafia after Christmas dinner you told us to gang up on her so we did but it went too long she was crying you blamed me she was crying in the bathroom you told her I was the one I was so mad at you she was mad at me for weeks after that she should have been mad at I was mad at you so mad I cried you are the only boy that ever saw me cry you made me so mad you always liked to make me mad and I never disappointed you called me gullible every day gullible you walked up to me after school I was doing algebra it was hard for me ‘cause I was sloppy my columns got mixed up you took my paper and ripped it in half I started screaming you were laughing and waving my paper in my face you only pretended to rip it everyone was laughing I never could stay mad at you and you knew it you smile and I can’t go down the driveway the light flickers on and I have to walk up to the door everyone is in there and they’re all smiling at you too many teeth I don’t like to show my teeth ‘cause one is out of place I have a photo of us the only photo I have of us graduation the party after in the gym my dad took the I look so gross but I’m smiling we’re smiling I want to cry I have to wait the teeth are waiting for me to join in to congratulate you to say I’m so happy for you for her I hate her I want her to die I want to die no I don’t but I don’t want to live soon I can cry knock on the door I’m the only one who knocks on your door everyone else rings the doorbell I guess you’ll always know when it’s me I hear the voices on the other side the door is open the light shines on me too bright I can’t see I wonder if my eyes are red they feel thick before I came there you are on the ugly carpet in the family room I laugh we hug my teeth hurt I have to I can’t I walk down the hall to the bathroom two doors down from your room

***